Dear J,

I hope you don't mind me using you like this. Its pretty clear that at this stage, things are never going to go back to the way they were with us. I made a mistake. But all the love in the world can't change the fact that you moved on from me, and I've got to learn to live with that. Telling you the things I plan to use this blog for would just hurt what little is left of our relationship. But I need to tell someone, even if it is just the very concept of our love.

I gotta admit, things are pretty hard for me right now. Its not just you of course, its the whole idea of being finished college, and the realisation that all those years of education could be for naught if I don't do my best now to get the skills I need to get a job. I'm not doing well, I went on a night out the other day, and drank far too much, something I told myself I'd never do again. All it does is cause strain on my relationships. In this case, it was with my mum. I spent the entirety of yesterday so tired I was unable to get out of bed to clean up my mess, or do the jobs I need to do. I have to ask myself, was the few hours I was out worth the money and the stress afterwards? I don't think so. Maybe drinking should be something I should put away for now. I'm not an alcoholic, but at the same time, I don't have the control over myself that I would like. I need to aim to change that.

But I'm getting better. I know that. My worst days are behind me for the moment. It won't be that much longer before I make a breakthrough, and am given the chance to succeed.

M