Dear J,

Of all my unhealthy habits, I've decided that this is not the worst. Besides, it means that I can say what I want to you here, and hopefully stave off the craving to call or message you, or generally find out anything I can about you.

I've decided on the decision I regret the most, that being the message I sent you at Halloween. If I'd only decided to tell you that we should get together and talk things through, maybe everything would have worked out differently. But, I know at the time I was determined to get away from you. The fear that I would never be with anyone else was weirdly strong. And would it have even made any difference? Would you even have agreed to see me? I don't know. I hope you stay away. Its better for both of us.