Dear J,

When was I last properly happy? Was there ever a time when there wasn't something that I was pretending wasn't an issue?

The problem with depression is that you begin to rewrite your own history. Was I ever truly happy with you, or was it just relief that someone would deign me worthy of being around for long periods of time? I'm so tired of thinking like this. I just want to be content with my lot, and not have to worry about a time where I change the position of the goalposts.

I think I worry the most about whether I will ever get over this, or if I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

M