Dear J,

Hiram was pregnant. For all of less than 10 weeks, there was a life being created inside them. Something that I helped form. And now I discover new aspects to myself.

I think I regret breaking up with them. Like I did with Josephine. But that can't be real. I know it isn't. I've felt these emotions before.

I'm so against the idea of a gap being formed like that between Hiram and I, or Josephine and I, when we were so close before, that I will literally rewrite my emotions towards them. For a while after I found out, I hated them. I wished for nothing more than to never have to interact with them again for the rest of my life. And now I just want to go back to the days when we just lay in bed, enjoying each other's company.

And yet I run from those feelings. I yearn for it with every bone in my body, but it terrifies me.

What do I want? And more importantly, how can I get it without hurting anyone else?