Hey,
I need somewhere to express what I want to say to Hiram the next time I see them, so that I can go in with a clear picture of things. I put together a list of reasons why I broke up with them, and why it didn't work out, but looking back at that list, I don't agree with any of it anymore.
I think the main complaint that I could think of was that we didn't talk about things. Hiram would bring things up late at night, and then apologise in the morning. But really thinking about it now, I did exactly the same thing in the end. Both of us knew we had a lot going on, and both of us were afraid to express the thoughts that we wanted to share with each other, for fear of putting too much pressure onto an already full plate.
The truth is that I do still love Hiram. And what I did was get too caught up in the future. In my defense, my future was coming towards me pretty quickly, but it still should have been something that I spent less time worrying about, using that energy to better enjoy the present. And I really enjoyed being with Hiram. While at times my stress levels were too high for me to really appreciate it, they helped me explore new experiences, and really opened up a whole new world of things to see and do.
The last few days have made me appreciate just how great it was to be in contact with them again. Which is madness, considering all the shit that its brought with it.
I've realised that I'm quite a hoarder. I mean, I knew that, but going through my room in preparation for moving to the UK, I've found an awful lot of shit that I didn't really need. But I've also come to realise that I hoard memories too. Some items that are painful I keep, with the hope that someday I can look at them with fondness. And while that's admirable, its not really achievable for me. Because all it does is stop me from moving on from them. After cutting up all those love letters that I sent to Josephine, and the poem she wrote for me, I feel so much more free. They're no longer gnawing at my soul for attention.
With regards to those items that I associate with Hiram, I'm not ready to part with them. There's still unfinished business there. And maybe without the shadow of previous relationships hanging over me, I can be with them truly.
J. It was cathartic to be able to write to you in this manner. But I don't need to write to you anymore. You are no longer a stand-in for those who I cannot speak to, you are simply a vessel now for me to put my thoughts in order. And vessels don't need identities.
I need somewhere to express what I want to say to Hiram the next time I see them, so that I can go in with a clear picture of things. I put together a list of reasons why I broke up with them, and why it didn't work out, but looking back at that list, I don't agree with any of it anymore.
I think the main complaint that I could think of was that we didn't talk about things. Hiram would bring things up late at night, and then apologise in the morning. But really thinking about it now, I did exactly the same thing in the end. Both of us knew we had a lot going on, and both of us were afraid to express the thoughts that we wanted to share with each other, for fear of putting too much pressure onto an already full plate.
The truth is that I do still love Hiram. And what I did was get too caught up in the future. In my defense, my future was coming towards me pretty quickly, but it still should have been something that I spent less time worrying about, using that energy to better enjoy the present. And I really enjoyed being with Hiram. While at times my stress levels were too high for me to really appreciate it, they helped me explore new experiences, and really opened up a whole new world of things to see and do.
The last few days have made me appreciate just how great it was to be in contact with them again. Which is madness, considering all the shit that its brought with it.
I've realised that I'm quite a hoarder. I mean, I knew that, but going through my room in preparation for moving to the UK, I've found an awful lot of shit that I didn't really need. But I've also come to realise that I hoard memories too. Some items that are painful I keep, with the hope that someday I can look at them with fondness. And while that's admirable, its not really achievable for me. Because all it does is stop me from moving on from them. After cutting up all those love letters that I sent to Josephine, and the poem she wrote for me, I feel so much more free. They're no longer gnawing at my soul for attention.
With regards to those items that I associate with Hiram, I'm not ready to part with them. There's still unfinished business there. And maybe without the shadow of previous relationships hanging over me, I can be with them truly.
J. It was cathartic to be able to write to you in this manner. But I don't need to write to you anymore. You are no longer a stand-in for those who I cannot speak to, you are simply a vessel now for me to put my thoughts in order. And vessels don't need identities.
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