Hi E,

Its a bit gas looking back at these diary entries. I think I always imagine in the moment that i'm writing these beautiful words that perfectly encapsulate what it means to be me. And generally its a load of wank. But I'm self aware, and no one else is going to read this, so fuck it, I do what I want.

There's one person though that I hope reads this, and that's you Erika. Because honestly it would be real shit to put myself through this bollocks and not come out at the end knowing that to be who I am. But is it? I mean, is it enough to want to have breasts, and be perceived as a woman? What does being a woman actually mean, and what makes it different from being a man? Do I want to wear dresses? Do I simply want that option available to me? Is it just the concept of body hair that makes me anxious? I can grow my nails out and paint them, and no one really gives a shit at the end of the day. I think. But I've just proved that its fine for guys to want to do that. Maybe its not something straight guys want, but I think the last few weeks have proved once and for all that I'm not straight. So that's kinda nice. Although I'll still doubt that proof until the day I die.

Maybe all I really want in life is to just laser all my body hair away for good, and that would stop the gnawing feeling in me. The information pdf that GenderGP sent me gives a pretty comprehensive few paragraphs about how HRT is unlikely to stop me hating my body. But What is it that I actually hate about it? Making a list would be pretty good.

- I guess my hands are alright. The nail beds really piss me off, but that's only cause they're stupid dry all the time, and I don't moisturise as often as I should.
- I'm not a big fan of the hairs on my arms being as dark as they are, and I guess I wish the skin was a bit softer? But again, surely moisturising would be the best course of action.
- Chest is an easy one, I despise the hair on it, and my gut is truly horrifying. Its probably the best case for being transgender, I want more of a curve to my shape, and my love handles get in the way of that. Do cis men want that? Its probably fairly unlikely.
- I think a lot about that dream I had when I was younger, the one where I found myself in the body of a tall blonde woman (or at least I think I was blonde), and the first thing I did was sit in the cubicle in a public bathroom and explore my vagina. Maybe I was masturbating, but certainly now I think an awful lot about just the sensation of just having a vulva like that. But do I hate my penis? There's certainly been a lot of times when I've been rather proud of it. Very proud, in fact. But could that be explained away as relief that I was a "good" man, something that could affirm my manhood? I don't know.
- My ass is like, fine. I hate the hair on it though, more than the chest hair. If I had to choose one to get rid of, it would probably still be the chest hair, but only because its the one that people are most likely to see.
 - Hate my hips, they're just shit, basically. Can you build muscle there? Cause fuck, I'd build it there.
- My legs. Again, the hair is a big thing. The knees are a bit weird looking.
- Feet are man feet. That's all I can really say.

What would being seen as a woman involve? What could I do differently? Another list is probably good.

- She/her pronouns are the obvious one. Getting called miss and ma'am. Don't know how I feel about that one right now.
- I could style my hair more feminine and not get funny looks? That's something that sounds kinda cool. Won't get told to "get a haircut hippy" by family, that really pisses me off.
- Nail polish is being done now, but I could always have it without a care in the world, neat.
-  I guess I wouldn't have to hide wearing makeup and feminine clothing in my room? It would be fine to wear them, and wear them out.

Do any of those really matter? Do I care? Like, I guess I do, but maybe its just the concept of being seen as female that's important to me. Is that my essential womanhood, or whatever pretentious name I can give it? I don't know. I don't really know what I'm doing, or if anything I'm doing is the right way to do it.

Comments